took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
