I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I intend to get homeless drunk
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
