i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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