Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
