So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
