I heard we made out
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
