I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
