Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
