im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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