I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
