then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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