Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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