i just wanna soil my oats bro
I look better un-naked...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
