so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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