woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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