I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
