Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
