you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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