Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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