she kept yelling 'call me bella'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
