Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
