Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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