walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
