Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
