She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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