I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
