he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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