If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
