Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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