I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
