things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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