I have demons in me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
