cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
