I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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