Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
