Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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