and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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