You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a hot homeless man
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
