i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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