I'm so fucking centered right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
