i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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