You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
