Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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