I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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