It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
