I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
