That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
