Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
