haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
