Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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