Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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