i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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