I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Boobs are out for the taking
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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