but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
