I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
