Your face is a jimmy john
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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