You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
