My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
