I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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